3 October 2016: I am officially now hospitalized.
I am now officially hospitalized. Nobody - not my jobs, church body, or biological family - knows that yet. Tomorrow we determine whether to me partially hospitalized or transition to full time. To be honest, I've already started packing my bags. I have a really bad feeling. My clinical staff agrees I am beyond not okay.
My anxiety is raging and fear rules over me because I have no idea what the future entails. I don't know how long I will be hospitalized. I don't know if I will have a job when I come out. Then, if I have a job, I don't know if I will be rehired because I do not have teacher tenure. I feel unworthy and like a failure to my outpatient care team, to the bakery, to my students and fellow faculty, my parents, my friends, and myself. I'm wrestling with shame because I am not proud of my body and feel it reflects poorly on my character. Like somehow this sickness is my fault. I desperately need the gospel.