28 August 2016: Struggling some more

I'm really struggling with my body. I'm mad that I haven't lost weight. I thought workouts with my trainer and yoga would make me skinny again :( I know in my mind that's unrealistic considering all that I've been told, but I don't care. I feel like it's been over a year now since going to the hospital, and I want my body back. I feel like I have "earned" it. Like I've done my time with this whole recovery thing and now it has to be over. I'm ready to be done. I honestly thought I would gain weight for a little while and then lose it again because that's what my body would be like "healthy." I don't understand why my team tells me sizes 10 and 12 are good and sizes 4 and 6 are bad for my body. I feel like it's not fair that some people get to be those numbers and others don't. I hate certain numbers and I've always hated those numbers and it just feels stuck in my brain that way. As long as I've always remembered it, specifically since fifth grade, 125 has felt "safe" and everything else is bad bad bad.

I get mad with my team a lot because I feel like they're lying to me about my body. I feel like I'm overweight, and the "f" word, and not pretty. I hate my curves and don't want to be muscular. I'm mad when people tell me that I look good. Recently, my aunt told me that she felt like I had gained weight and that it was good because she thought I was too thin at the beginning of this year and she liked me better this way. I was so mad. I get asked out a lot and it makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I'm not pretty and overweight. These first few weeks, coworkers and students have commented that they like my clothes, but I just feel like it can't be true because all my dresses that fit are a 10. I just wish people would not comment about my body at all. I don't feel like there's anything good about it.

I'm feeling really discouraged and feel like I've lost sight of my goals. I feel like my real goals are to lose as much weight as possible, as fast as possible, and I get madder and madder each month that doesn't happen. 

My eating is also growing worse. Yesterday, I ate one meal. One. Today I ate like one meal food wise and a smoothie with whey protein. I'm either ignoring my hunger or not noticing it as much. I hate eating so much and the idea of it makes me anxious, so I don't do it until I'm ravenous or feel sick or can't ignore it anymore. I feel like it should be this way because I don't deserve to eat and shouldn't eat because it's not really good for me. I haven't actually cooked a meal and followed through to eat it since Memorial Day. I cooked a few weeks ago, but what I cooked is untouched and rotting in the refrigerator. I feel like I can't throw it away because then that means I wasted food. And I feel in general like all money and time spent on food is a waste.

Thursday morning, I cried on the way to work thinking about my body. 

I find myself mad lately because I don't have a lot of free time, and therefore I can't exercise to lose weight.

The previous Thursday, I cried with my dietitian because I feel like I'm tired of being fat and uncomfortable in my body. I was also upset with the changes in my support system, even though I want to support my mentors in their new stages of life. I know that's selfish and unrealistic. But again. It doesn't matter inside my heart.

Sometimes I feel like I haven't come very far at all in changing my mindset towards my body and eating and exercise. And I feel discouraged because I feel like it's always going to be this way. And I feel disappointed because I feel like I'm not doing well. I am trying to listen to my team. It just doesn't feel like it works sometimes.

Kendall Crouther