21 August 2016: Labor Day Week Eve
Some changes are coming and I am very anxious.
First, my discipleship leader is going to change. The woman who has been mentoring me for the past 2 years is moving to a different position within my Sunday School class. She is not going anywhere physically, but her role in my life is going to shift. My dietitian is also going to change for a few months because my current one is going on maternity leave. Also, one of my dearest friends who I've known closely for the past 2 years is moving to Asia. I am genuinely excited for the new seasons of life my discipleship leader, my dietitian, and close friend are entering, but a big part of me is sad and overwhelmed. I spent a lot of time grieving (AKA sobbing) the upcoming changes this week. I know it may seem extreme, but these transitions feel like a loss for me.
Meanwhile, work is stressful. The bakery just opened a second location, so I have been working twice as much as I normally would because it needs a lot of help. This creates very long days. I work 8-9 hours at school, take a quick break, and then work 5 hours at the bakery, a few days a week. On the weekends, I've been clocking about 7-8 hours each shift, and I work up to 3 days. I spoke with the owner about cutting back on hours because this is not sustainable.
I thought I was doing well with body image until I went to therapy this week and burst into tears, confessing that my eating has shifted radically the past 2 weeks and I'm super uncomfortable with all the weight I've gained. I've been skipping meals almost every day and loathing my new figure. So much for the new self-confidence I thought I had.
An increased care level is just not going to happen. I thought I could make it work financially, but without my parent's help, it is impossible. This is devastating for me. I really feel like I could have benefited from the structure and support an intensive outpatient program gives. It makes me really, really mad at my mom. I hate that she does not see my mental health as a worthwhile investment.
It is hard not to feel abandoned and alone. It also feels unsafe right now because I attach safety and connectedness so much to my relationships with my mentor, dietitian, and friend. My mentor and dietitian are mother figures and my friend is like a sister. In these fearful moments, I am trying to attach to the Lord, but there is still a lot of confusion, hurt, anger, and resentment at times. It is really hard to trust someone you feel like has failed you and chooses to be silent and neglectful.
I would say that is the main way you can pray for me right now. Please pray for the change in my support system. And my flexibility and willingness to accept and respect the change. Please also pray that God would bring me a new mentor and friend.