11 April 2018: There are gifts in suffering that the healthy do not understand.
There are gifts in suffering that the healthy do not understand. Those are the gift of silence, non-compliance, and absolution.
Your silence is your space of being unheard. It is a gift to be unheard, because you learn to hear others. We listen to others because we remember what it was like not to be heard.
Your non-compliance is your understanding of the world. It is in your understanding of doubt, treason, faithlessness and the worst type of friendship: betrayal. Your non-compliance builds boundaries. Your non-compliance builds bridges. Your non-compliance preaches freedom, and it preaches freedom without ever voicing a single word.
And then there is absolution. There is absolution: The gift of fetching, undignifyingly, but fetching so persistently and relentlessly that finally your fetching is interpreted to be seeking, and your seeking is interpreted to be loyalty, and your loyalty is a coveted wisdom.
What does it mean to suffer? And what does it mean to have lost? What do these mean: “healthy” and “well?” What does it mean to have learned silence? To have found a honoralbe non-compliance, to be steadfast in absolution – all while balancing integrity, decency, and commitment to the will of Christ?
All that I know is that I finish each day with my soul and my God, my God and my soul.
All that I know is that each definition I am learned to follow is either man constructed or Biblically ordained.
All I know is that I am fallible, cannot decipher truth in my own reason, and am far too codependent on either mankind or whatever falsified imagery I have sold myself to place my faith in, for that short while that whatever falsified imagery holds my attention, before moving on to something else.
I know nothing, and at the same time, I know God, and because I know God, I have freedom to endlessly seek, because in my seeking, He will always find me. He will always find me, because it is He who is the Seeker and operates the inner wonders of my heart.
You are a great cloud, bird. You are a great cloud that offers rainbows in its sky.
When you shine, other seekers notice –
When you speak, other seekers hear.
When you laugh, it ushers in an awakening,
and when you cry, the earth grieves in its every shadow.
What you have made for yourself – What He has bestowed upon you these past months –
Those are gifts beyond reason that can never be doubted, stolen, withdrawn or destroyed,
Not now, and at no point in eternity.
Remember the woman’s words: There is no honor among thieves.
Look at your life now. Do you notice the renewed shimmer in your smile?
A blossoming spirit back in your rhythms?
Your mothers’ consciousnesses in your lungs?
If you understand nothing, please understand this: You did it.
Our body has served us well in its dissociative tendencies,
unhaunted night terrors,
and limbs that can be physically repaired rather than a heart needing another recovery tour.
Hear me child: What it did for you is keep you alive.
What it has always done for you is keep you alive.
It has kept us alive.
There was something powerful in your ruminating that was earth shatteringly productive rather than an all too frequented negative self-talk spree. You understood that life was moving by, that people were stepping into their self-fulfilled visions, and that it could be your turn to shift from a hospitalized mindset to that of a person recently readmitted to life.
You determined you will never have another opportunity to be your best friend’s lover,
that you will never again get to climb the tall mountain,
that you will never again learn to kickbox,
and you will never again be a bird designed to fly.
Take your time, live and grow.
Because though the first 25 years pushed a reset,
it is now the perfect time for a reset life.
I pray for me that my gift to life is never an invitation to licentiousness without guilt, driven by shame, rooted in a lust for prosperity, comfort, and complacency.
I pray for us that we will keep going, body, because for every fear that we have had, there is a day it matches that has been conquered.